we are sitting at an outdoor table at work (the institue of psychiatry, where my host looked after the computers for the MRI department), drinking a bowl of coffee with friends. suddenly, a beam of light shoots down out of the heavens. it socks us in the forehead, and we look up, into the presence of the goddess.
"You must Go around the World and Prepare it for the Birth of a New Child", she says.
"ok" we say, and then its over, and we turn to our friends and say 'you'll never believe what just happened"
5 or 6 months later, we were back in our flat. not sure how we got there. chilling out, experiencing the world as this really wide, pulsing, fluid illusion.
the tv is on. this is unusual, as neither my host was nor am i great TV watchers. it was next to us, on our left, and the sun was shining through the window, bathing the room in light.
a woman starts talking. she is describing what happens when people die, i'm half listening, fascinated but not really attentive, wandering.
she says "when someone dies, there are often angels there, waiting to receive their soul" two fking golden balls of light turn up in the corner of the room.
"the soul rises up out of the body" this white light rises up out of my chest. i realise what is going on, start to panic
"and travels into the arms of the angels" over it goes, they merge and blend
"who take it up into heaven" NOOOOO, up they go. NOOOO
she then starts the greif counseling
"those left behind are often distraught" NO SHIT
"they experience strong emotions. feeling of loss" yep
"abandonment" double yes,
"fear" PLEASE DON"T LEAVE ME
and on it goes. i forget the rest, because i was sobbing, scared and alone, hanging onto the sound of this woman's voice, listening to her and trying to understand and cope.
i guess it went on for a while, eventually i fell asleep, exhausted, in a pool of warm sunshine.
and woke up alone. you don't realise how much you need another's company until they are gone. suddenly, my mind was empty. the driving force and certainty of my host was missing. it was just me, and an avalanche of left over belief systems, pressing upon me.
so i run to the only safety i know - the mistress of madness. my (surrogate) mum was a wicked DJ. and what fun we had! i had all my hosts skills, plus a healthy dose of raw magic. we could transform a sound system just by talking about it, throw energy around a room and make dancefloors heave. it was a time of magic and fun, and bliss, if i managed to get her to let me fall asleep next to her. i learnt that the sound of a snore can be the most comforting thing in the world. safety. i was a peculiar thing. still had all the sophisticated adult routines of my host, so i could play at human well, but i had the control of a child, enthusiasm and emotion, adoration and simplicity.
we snorted crushed moldavite for fun. its a glass meteorite that landed in the chech republic a while back, it equates to the emerald that fell from lucifer's crown when he fell from heaven (remember this is all metaphor). its 'spiritual' use is to chat to angels.
well, that's maybe true. a very peculiar thing happened. people's faces started to change. there was this one face, one that really was 'my mum'. she/he/it was so beautiful, shining with light and love. sometimes ting would wear it, sometimes not. once, i saw it slide over my own face when i was riding a tube train.
once it slid over the face of another girl. love incarnate, perhaps.
i'm trying to break free of this madness, as some part of me recognised it was not good for me, no matter how much i fitted the 'fool' tarot card. which leads me to my flat again, lying in the middle of my lush sound system, listening to hed kandi. spontaneously, i say to the goddess. "i need a new name" (serena maja didn't seem to fit anymore, that was my host's name, not mine). she spoke back to me through the music. "open your heart, open your mind, let your love flow like the sunshine"
and so i got my (shortened) name, "let your love flow like the sunshine". l t sunshine for short.
one stat dec later and i am holding a golden credit card with my new name on it, and the world calls!